VULNERABILITY
Dee Chadwick
05 Jul 2020
I welcome a guest writer, a young lady called Lianna. I have known her for several years, though we haven’t met face to face. That was planned for this summer, then along came COVID and it was put into abeyance. We will meet up – hopefully not too far into the future! She is a first time writer, telling of her very personal experiences. With vulnerability and addiction and the way that they became interwoven in a recent relationship. A relationship that has led her to a lot of self-reflection, some of which follows in this heart-felt piece –

MY STORY

A vulnerable person is said to be a Narcissist’s and an Addict’s dream come true. I know this because I have finally woken up from being that vulnerable person. It took me a lot of years and a lot of therapy, but here I am to tell my tale, well, part of it.

I recently did some research on people with addictions because I thought that he ( I will tell you more about him soon) was a narcissist and I was annoyed with myself for letting yet another narcissist into my life, and that I had been foolish enough to let him win me over with his charm. I was struggling so much with the fact that this amazing, wonderful man who I had met a few months previously had now turned into this horrible person who would swear at me for not enabling his addiction. I discovered that addicts and people with narcissistic personality disorder both have the same traits and was quite relieved that there was help out there for him because he is in fact an addict. But the personality traits are pretty much the same. They woo you, they wine and dine you, the treat you like an absolute queen. They do this to hide who they really are. If I am quite honest, it is tiring and it is sickening.

For either of these types of people a vulnerable person is the absolute dream come true, because when a vulnerable person ( like myself ), who has no self- worth or confidence is shown love and affection,  it is the most amazing feeling in the world. The only thing is that it is not a real love. It is an over the top kind of love. They buy you nice things, they take you to nice places, they will tell you within a week, if not days, that you are the best thing that ever happened to them, so that they can win you over and make you feel special. They will do everything they possibly can to make you fall in love with them and to get you under their spell.

I remember when I first started dating him I was over the moon that he had asked me to be his plus one at two weddings. I did think it was a bit soon into our relationship but then again I thought why not? So many people at wedding number one told me how lovely he was and how lucky I was to have met him.  Funny that isn’t it, how they can fool people on the outside too! I believed all of them. How silly was I?

The problem with addicts and people with NPD is that their cracks start to show as soon as you start to question their behaviours. For instance, when you question an addict on their addiction they become enraged at the thought of you not seeing them as this perfect person. They had tried so hard for you to believe that is who they really are.  That is when you start to see the real them, as soon as you question them. This is when the lies begin and where the real them comes out.

It is the most confusing thing in the world when one minute this person is telling you that you are their everything, and that you mean more to them than life. That they have never loved anyone as much as they love you.  Then come the changes.  It’s then you see this stranger who starts drinking at 6am in the morning, and passes out drunk.  Only to wake up and carrying on drinking with no regard for you anymore. The minute you say something they disappear with no trace. They ignore your phone calls and messages and pretend that you never existed. THAT HURTS.

This is where it gets even more confusing to a vulnerable person. When an addict has had their fill and then needs you again they will turn back into this amazing person, telling you how sorry they are and how they didn’t mean to upset you, to hurt you and that they will make it up to you.  You know what - you believe them and take them back. And then it happens again, after a few times they start to blame you and make you believe that you are the problem, they tell you that you are over-reacting  and guess what? You believe them, and you take them back yet again.

The only way an addict or someone with NPD can show you love seems to be by buying your love. They think that love is buying you things, they don’t and will never be able to be there for you emotionally, because in reality all they really care about is themselves and they do not care who they hurt in the process as long as they are happy and they are getting the ego boost that they so much crave.

I ended our relationship.

MY FINAL STRAW

Two weeks ago I was at home alone and I fell in my garden. I had severely sprained my ankle and the pain made me go into shock. I managed to phone my mum who came to my house and phoned an ambulance as I could not move and the pain made me feel really strange.

I had promised myself that I was done with him and that he was never coming back into my life again. However, we had been talking and I missed the nice side of him, and as soon as he found out I had fallen and was completely immobile he offered to come and take care of me.

 I thought wow he must really love me he was here the next day, cooking and cleaning and bringing my pain tablets when I needed them. He helped me in the shower and to get to the toilet. He was in his element because I needed him; his ego was boosted and he obviously felt good! As soon as I started to get on my feet again his attitude started to change because I no longer needed him, and I could now fend for myself again ( I am very independent and always will be ). Exactly two weeks to the day after my fall, he had a lump sum of money paid to him and the first thing he did was go to the supermarket and spent £2oo which included £100 worth of alcohol and some flowers for me. The flowers were the obvious sweetener. It was a nice sunny day and he had bought things for us to have a BBQ, so for once I didn’t question his addiction to alcohol and just let him be. It was later that day when his attitude changed again when he told me that his Dad was on his way to collect him so that he could go and get his things because he was, to quote “moving back in”. This was not something that had been discussed, rather, he just assumed that, because I was vulnerable, I would just let it happen. Well guess what, I have never felt as strong and empowered as I did when telling him that actually he was not moving back in. He left. He did not even say goodbye to my six year old daughter who had earlier been told by him that he would one day be her step dad.

This has been  a very brief part of my story and how someone once again took advantage of my vulnerability, though I can honestly say hand on heart he is no longer welcome in mine or my gorgeous little girl’s life!

LOOKING FORWARDS -

What I have learned from this is that I need to always look out for the red flags. This is hard for me, a problem, as I always try to look for the good in people and over look the bad. This does my mental health more harm than good! I have, however, learned that I am worth so much more than just putting up with such people, such relationships, for the sake of being with somebody!! I am loving, caring and have a huge heart and some day I WILL meet the right person.  A person who will deserve my love and will show me true love in return.

What I will certainly look for in the future is someone who doesn’t love bomb me, tell me they love me after a week and tell me they want to marry me and have kids asap.. this is not normal behaviour, rather it  is the behaviour of someone who wants to trap me and go on to control me. I know that I am worth so much more than that. I deserve to be part of a mutually fulfilling partnership built on trust and genuine caring.

But for now I am going to concentrate on loving myself and realising my self-worth … you should too.

A huge thank you to Lianna for sharing her words with her. It took a great deal of strength, so please leave her a comment below. Thank you. I will let Lianna know of any comments.

if you are struggling in a similar position, do get in touch for support via this web site.

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Comments

What an honest and emotional piece, the strength it must have taken to write this is amazing, I had goose bumps as I read it, I can so relate to her story, so many need to know it is not their fault. Well done Lianna- a true inspiration!!
Well done, your honestly will help others and yourself. Keep you chin up and your head held high xxx
What a strong message from an even stronger woman. Know your worth Lianna. I Shared your blog as i have many friends that also need to find the strength to leave xx
I know Lianna and I met her through our slimmimg club, lianna is a beautiful, friendly lovely, lovely woman, you can see lianna wears her heart on her sleave and as she says "see's the good in everyone" what an empowering story for others out there to see that 1, they are not alone and 2, they can find the strength to pull away from these kind of people and see them for who they are, im proud to be Liannas friend and I know one day she will find the person who will treat her and her daughter as they should be.
Well done Lianna on been so brave and speaking up for a lot of us women that have been through similar situations like yourself. It’s not easy to speak up while your still hurting. Sending love x
Thank you for sharing your story , it must have taken lots of courage and strength. One day you will meet the right man who will love you honestly. Keep strong and enjoy life with your gorgeous daughter xxxxx

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